Confessions of a Past Broken Heart By: Esther Goodnough Life. Love. Friends. Family. God Girls/Boys, I know that in this day and age depression is rampant among us. How do I know? I am an ex-suicidist. My testimony is one of alot of pain and tears. I would change my past, but at the same time not. Because it's made me the person I am today. Thanks be to the Lord! I was driven to write this up because I've been burdened to tell you that there is hope. This world is a cruel place to have to live in. Full of questions? Scared? Insecure? Abused? Alone? I thought I was too. ~*~ I was 5 years old when I started having encounters with demons. When I was young my best friends lived right down the street from me. I spent most of my time there and everything was fine for awhile. Finally my friend and I would start having visions, Seeing faces in the dark, Voices, drumming, figures, triangles, They would sleepwalk with their eyes rolled back, Muttering, unexplainable lights, blood dripping from walls. Laughter. Of course at first our parents wouldn't believe us We were kids after all out imaginations were quite active. But one summer before they moved out of that house... Their father was knocking down walls in their house to build a new room. and he found items of witchcraft. Oujia Boards, Tarot Cards, Pendants. That was the step that changed my life forever. I would always have nightmares to the point that by the age of 7. Bitterness. Extreme Anger. Morbidity. Was already slowly peeping through in my life. Selfishness was a prominent feature, as I always thought about myself. My Family though was a strong christian one. My Father was an ex-pastor type figure, He tried guiding me through my hard times but of course I was to rebellious. I already believed I was a Christian because my parents were! But thanks to their instruction I still had a mind of what to cross and what not too. Anyways from 12-15 I found my outlets. Music. Art. Blood. Boys. My MUSIC was mostly heavy screamo rock. I had discovered a beautiful ART called Mangaka. But I twisted it to fit my demonic needs and fulfill my violent tendencies. I didn't want my parents to know my mind, but they could tell through my drawings that there was a problem. Around the age of 13-14. I was losing my best friends. I had 3 of them and they were all leaving me. I know it was because of who I was becoming, But even my 2 friends that experienced everything I had with were leaving me. They were strong Christians and they didn't want to get involved back and dwell with me on the past. They had their own scars. That's when BLOOD and BOYS came in. I would slash my arms usually by the shoulders. My Wrists were only if I was too rebellious to care about what my parents thought. I eventually came to that stage and I let the scars show with pride. I found the pain relieving cuz' it relieved the fear and pain of my heart. My tears wouldn't cease to flow, I mostly cried myself to sleep through those years. That's when I started to seek help in other people besides my family. That's were the BOYS came in. I grew bitter towards family and the good crowd of people. I hated it because I always felt like I was being compared to them. So I started turning to the guys that came into my life. But even to them I was cold. I guess you could call me a user? I still to this day feel bad for the things I have done to those poor souls. Playing with hearts whether singularly of in groups isn't a great idea. I can give thanks to the Lord though that I never gave myself to them. God kept me from crossing that line thankfully. I never lost my first anything. I had one friend from my past experiences who was still praying fervently for me. She saw the people coming into my life and she saw me in desperation latching unto them. The feelings, were fake, after a week or two I would end up feeling more and more... EMPTY. So I ended things, probably for the best? I know people were already telling my mom and dad that I was going to end up on a street-corner. My relationship with my parents was going down the drain. My mom was the most out-reaching to me, my dad I believe just got tired of telling me what to do. She helped me come around once in awhile but again no heart change had occured. I remember telling her. "I'll finish school with top grades, stay out of your way, and move out when I finish... and in exchange... STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" By 15 I was unreachable by any family member. I made my rebelliousness known more and more. My family kept their children from me... I really was a train-wreck, and a scary character by that time. I had nobody to turn to any more. I had "hit-rock-bottom" as they say. Death was always on my mind. I wanted it. I breathed it. Dreamt it. Tasted it. I had already tried to commit suicide a couple times. I couldn't bring myself to stab myself. Hanging? The rope broke. I just couldn't seem to do it just yet but I was planning to do it during the start of 2007. ~ Continued -> ~ |  Coincidentally Mom and Dad decided to send me to Camp Chill-Out 2007. It was a Christian camp, they thought it would be a good thing, since I had been there the year before. But already the lights that were in my life were turning out so I decided to go. After all I could see my friends again, say good-bye and then go home and die right? Well I got to see my friends again. Nathan. David. Josiah. I even made some new ones, Philip and Daniel. Something strange happened though. My friend Philip had so much in common with me. Not in the morbidity or depressed area, but I connected with him so easily. We did everything together, talked and he got me to open up so fast. We were fast friends! One that I didn't want to lose of hurt. So we all said good-bye and went our separate ways. I missed them all so much... which I thought was odd. I never felt that sensation for quite awhile. I decided NOT to die just yet, I wanted to see what would happen. Nathan, Philip, and I were best friends. But there was something about Philip that made me think about my life more and more. But I didn't want to do anything because there was this guy that everyone thought I would end up with. His name was Trevor. I had liked him for 7 years but there was something about him that made me depressed. He would act like he liked me but then he would disappear for a year or two and I would think I got over him. But when he came around I would always fall for him. This darkened my heart more and more because it broke me inside. I felt even more worthless. So I did something I hadn't done in a LONG time. I prayed to the Lord. My life was slowly mending but I knew that I couldn't hold it together by myself. I mean just look at what I had done with my life already! I told him to take my life, and do what he wanted with it. I was tired of controlling it, it led me to hatred and fear. I asked him to take away the pain and the doubt and to help me get my life back on track. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. I remember telling Philip one time on the phone how much I wanted to die. All the small problems that I looked at being so big, everyone leaving me. He told me that he and Nathan cared about me, my parents cared about me, my family. I was just being selfish. I was kind of like WoW. I know now that he was right. I was being 100% selfish. Always thinking about my pain, but not thinking about the pain I was causing people! I was hurting everyone acting the way I did. I realized that THEY LOVED ME. I just didn't make the feeling mutual! I was killing them all inside slowly with the pain I was causing. Seeing my mom cry to me. Seeing my dad telling me he still was there for me. Grandpa encouraging me in the Lord and witnessing to me. Aunts and Uncles saying cutting things just to try and get something in my stubborn head. It was all LOVE! The lights started turning on again in my life. I was getting over Trevor. I was becoming stronger. The Lord was removing the pain and heartache. The bitterness slowly receded. School went even better. I was making good friendships! My family life got easier. But most of all. I WAS "LOOKING UNTO JESUS the AUTHOR AND FINISHER OF OUR FAITH!" He was living in my life, and I knew that even through trials and Tribulations. He would always be there to help me through them as long as I looked towards him and not away. My tears have stopped flowing. My scars have disappeared. I have learned to love. As for Nathan, Philip, and me? We are still a trio of best Friends we all have gone through our hard times. But been there for each other. God used them to help turn on the lights and bring me back. Philip and me? We are currently together and have been for over 2 years. Engaged... and looking to the Lord. Marriage our ultimate goal. We've gone through alot of doubt, but I guess I just needed to relearn how to trust. He's never broken it and even though we live far from each other. God has made it bearable and wonderful. My Family and I? Life is great, there are no scars from those times with any of us. We are open and truthful about everything and my parents are amazingly supportive. We do street ministry together. We are a FAMILY once again. Me and God? Forever and ever! He will always be my master. He's changed my life around and made my life into something beautiful. My Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I know he lives and he's real. For he lives in my heart. (>.<)<3 |
